Mental Health & Grieving
This section covers mental health issues you may experience and other items related to grief. Visit our Support Groups section for New Orleans area groups.
Call 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
See Mental Health Crisis Resources at the end of this section for more information.
REACTIONS AFTER VIOLENCE:
Events that are sudden, that involve violence, or significant loss or harm, can leave us in shock and despair, or cause extreme mental anguish or deep depression. They violate our sense of order and shatter our experience of safety. There are times you may feel utterly alone, or that no one will ever understand the depth of your grief, torment, and pain. It can feel like you’re falling apart and that nothing is the same — your “normal” world is gone, and feeling scared, paranoid, discouraged, unfocused, angry and/or depressed are understandable responses to being deeply traumatized.
Some call this the “new normal,” and it will take time to adjust. It’s a roller coaster, and you will have both good and bad days, even while you proceed with regular activities, which may feel as if you are just going through the motions. You only need to face one day at a time, or even one moment at a time. Allow space for mourning, adjusting, and resting. Self-care is critical, both physically and emotionally — you are dealing with an abnormal situation and possibly dealing with physical injuries and/or the sudden loss of your loved one(s), and/or having witnessed violent trauma.
Grief has no time frame, and no two people grieve the same way or for the same length of time. No one can tell you how to grieve, so don’t let others push you.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross noted that people going through loss experience five stages of grieving. You may have noticed yourself going through some of these if you were here during and after the catastrophes of Hurricane Katrina or Ida, other nearby disasters, during the Covid-19 pandemic, or the Bourbon St. terror attack. These stages have no particular order and can happen at the same time, but acceptance usually takes place last:
Denial (“This isn’t happening to me!”)
Anger (“Why is this happening to me?”)
Bargaining (“I promise I’ll be a better person if…”)
Depression (“I don’t care anymore.”)
Acceptance (“I’m surviving and dealing with whatever comes.”)
EMOTIONAL CONSIDERATIONS
You may feel isolated from family and friends — as if no one understands, because while your world feels shattered, they are going about their business. You may feel fury if people say insensitive things. Try to be around sensitive, supportive, respectful people — those who can hear you out, who respond caringly, who can help you with major decisions, and who will hold space with you.
You may feel a push-pull being around others. Not everyone or every situation will fit what you need, so say “no” when appropriate. Be fair to yourself and don’t set yourself up for failure by trying to take on too much too soon. Focus on what you need, and don’t be afraid to ask for help from trusted friends, family, and allies. You can make a list of necessary tasks and try to match them to those in your life who have specific skills (See the list under Get a Support System Going). You may also realize you need a listening ear, and for this common issue, support and grief groups can be very helpful (See New Orleans area groups in our Support Groups section).
Other feelings that are commonly felt include:
Guilt — this may involve blaming yourself for whatever happened in your situation, often as an outlet for your frustration. It is useful to change your words here. Instead of “guilt” (as if you did something bad on purpose) try “sorrow” or “regret” (wishing you had been able to do something). Try to let go of the guilt: It lifts so much off of you to do so.
Exhaustion — this can make you feel overwhelmed and disoriented, have a hard time making decisions, or feel jumpy or easily startled.
Suicidal thoughts — when it seems like it’s the only way to stop the pain, you may wish you weren’t alive because the reality is so unbearable.
An obsession to go back in time and change the outcome, and fixate about what happened and what you could have done to prevent it, which carves the pain inside you again and again.
I had planned to call James around the time he was killed. I became obsessed with thinking I could have prevented the events, and was riddled with guilt that I hadn’t called. It was hard for me, but I had to remember that what happened wasn’t my fault.
- Rose preston
Numbness — this is a way for the emotions to catch up to what the mind is trying to process. Shock is like an anesthetic, protecting you from what is so hard and painful to believe, as if you are a robot living in a trance. Some people find it hard to cry and feel sadness, but this is often the protective shield of shock. Tears can be a helpful and safe way to physically express and discharge the pain. Men and women also may grieve differently, as often our cultures can condition us in what is an acceptable expression of grief.
Addressing your feelings of trauma, sooner rather than later, can also help. Some lifelines you may consider to navigate this new space include individual treatment with a professional (therapist, psychiatrist, etc.), or speaking with clergy or a wise friend.
In seeking professional help, try to be persistent in finding the “right fit” for you. You may prefer in-person therapy, virtual, or some blend. Psychology Today lists profiles of private therapists in your zip code, showing their specialties, insurance accepted, and fees, and most offer a short free consult. Visit our Resources section and look for assistance under “Mental Health” for more information. A state program, Crime Victims Reparations’/Compensation (CVR/CVC), may later reimburse some of your treatment, but this may take time, and you typically have to pay the costs upfront.
Many find that grief and support groups are very beneficial and can help you feel that you’re not alone and in a caring community. Groups can be led by a counselor or peer-led (by others with lived experience), and they consist of other people struggling to come to terms with their own losses or traumatic experiences.
The word “compassion” means “to suffer with,” and many find they can grieve more easily in support groups, with an absence of judgment. If possible, try out a few before deciding which is the best fit for you. Given that there are waiting lists for some clinics and individual therapy options, grief or support groups can offer a productive space to help you face unavoidable challenges, and they are usually free. It is fine to just listen, or you can choose to share, but you might find others can offer important insights, or simply provide kindness and sympathy.
Your values and beliefs may be challenged and/or deepened — you might feel cynical or betrayed by your faith — or you may find that your faith is what gets you through. It can be a struggle to find meaning and purpose in your life. It is common to feel guilt and to obsess over what you think you could have done differently — only to doubt yourself or blame yourself for any setbacks (which are inevitable), including things over which you have no control, and further, to feel wrong for experiencing any happiness or laughter.
I was very cynical about religious healing, but have come to find a spiritual peace after a long time.
- Rose preston
Vengeful and obsessive thoughts and impulses can be alarming. It’s important to remember that this is the dark side of human nature. Your anger is valid, and some negative thoughts are accurate (but not all) — be aware of not letting it misguide or dominate your energies.
Safe places to vent are important. Many people are raised to not express their rage. In a safe, contained space it can be helpful to release this energy (like screaming or punching into a pillow, yelling in the shower, in a stationary car, with a counselor, or through dance, drumming, writing, or art). Get help if you’re concerned about acting out your rage, or if you suspect someone may act on their desire for vengeance (See Office of Violence Prevention Programs).
I would sometimes sit in my car and scream, or punch pillows and scream into them (I still find this a useful way to discharge any pent up feelings).
- Rose preston
At times, you may feel numb and disconnected; this is often the protective shield of shock. It is common to isolate, to want to hide from life. Releasing your tears can help to affirm and acknowledge your pain; it is nature’s way of soothing.
It’s hard to avoid intensely desperate and dark thoughts that may be constantly intruding. If you feel you can’t trust yourself, immediately reach out to a trusted mental health professional or call 988.
As you move forward you may find that certain things are triggering — anniversaries, insensitive remarks, media, delays in the investigation process, or court proceedings. Be gentle with yourself when this happens and seek support from those you trust, and/or go find a safe way to vent. If some old traditions make you too sad, allow for new meaningful traditions.
Sometimes you may feel doubted or blamed, or that you have a stigma attached to you because of your closeness to violence. This may arise from people wanting to distance themselves from the horror involved, and/or from their own limitations, fears, and ignorance. Yet we know that stigma impacts self-esteem, and no one wants to feel labeled or judged at a time of so much emotional heavy lifting. Keep these kinds of people at arm’s length, or further away. Insist your feelings are respected.
At a later time, some people choose to engage in Restorative Justice, a completely voluntary process which can include a victim-offender dialogue, and is led by trained professionals. An alternative to the traditional justice system, Restorative Justice centers humanity and ensures the survivor has a voice. Organizations that can help with this include Community Mediation Services, the Center for Restorative Approaches, and Beyond Harm. Refer to our Restorative Justice section to learn more.
PHYSICAL CONSIDERATIONS
Emotional trauma and grief can put great stress on the body. You may experience physical symptoms related to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), including:
Anxiety attacks
Weeping fits
Fatigue, exhaustion, lack of energy
Heart palpitations, stomach pains, shortness of breath, jaw/teeth clenching, and tightness in the throat and chest
Sleep disturbances and/or nightmares
Lack of concentration
Panic attacks, sweating, or chills
Flashbacks
Memory lapses
Lack of appetite
Reach out to medical and mental health professionals who can offer help using therapy, medication, and/or other approaches. Visit our Resources section and look for assistance under “Medical Health” and “Mental Health”.
Medication may provide some relief, such as for depression, anxiety or sleeplessness – and then again, it may not be something you like or want – but keep your options open for different times of your experience. It is easy to get addicted to some medication, and with others, it is important to get off them slowly. Not taking care of yourself and your health can take a toll later on. Do your best to be good to yourself.
Please see the next section on “Helpful Tools” for ideas that can help you with healthy physical relief and/or release.
In trauma, we feel desperate to avoid the pain, putting us at risk for dependency issues. These can include “self-medicating” with the use of drugs, alcohol, food, sex, work, shopping, gambling, etc. to cope with trauma. While it is understandable that you might want to escape and feel numb, in the long run this may create a difficult addiction that could negatively impact your life. If you are looking for help with substance use or dependency:
Find a trusted person to confide in (e.g. counselor, pastor, friend).
There are many programs that provide help with addictions (see Resources). In addition, there are also free 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (or Narcotics, Gamblers, Crystal Meth, Cocaine, Overeaters, and many more), where fellow addicts share their experience, strength and hope; Alanon is for family members of addicts. Another similar recovery group is called Refuge Recovery, which is Buddhist and non-religious.
Consider professional help if an addiction(s), depression/anxiety, or physical symptom(s) are significantly impacting your life. A state program, Crime Victims Reparations’/Compensation (CVR/CVC), may reimburse some treatment.
I know this because I was myself plunged into this dark side, and it was hard to get out.
- Rose preston
SOME HELPFUL TOOLS
Say: “STOP” out loud, and raise your hand, if you keep repeating negative or obsessive thoughts. Replace the thoughts with a positive memory. You may have to do this many times, but eventually you can train yourself to respond more quickly.
It’s okay to say “no.” You don’t have to please others now.
Challenge your thoughts: for example, replace “I want to disappear” with “I’m going through a horrible time but I will pull through it, and my life is not over.”
Meditation and breathwork are other ways to help quiet agitated and anxious thoughts. You can find guided meditations on Youtube, or there are free apps you can download onto your phone, or libraries have meditation CDs you may borrow. If you are seeing a therapist or psychiatrist, ask them about any sessions they know of that you could attend.
Take a few minutes to breathe deeply. Breathe in through your nose and let your stomach expand; tell yourself you are breathing in strength and hope, or whatever you need. Breathe out through your mouth and let your stomach fold in; tell yourself you are breathing out negative things. Consider a simple box breathing exercise: sit comfortably upright, close your eyes (optional), breathe in for five seconds, hold for 5, exhale for 5, hold for 5, and inhale, repeating this pattern three times.
You might consider journaling your feelings: Dr. Daniel Siegel said, “If you can name it, you can tame it.” Words act as containers for overwhelming emotions. Even the search for words to describe your feelings can help calm and focus your brain during this chaotic time. Activities like listening to or creating music, gardening, or cooking, may make you feel connected or grounded. Some find it helpful having supportive notes or sayings — e.g. “I’m doing the best I can,” or “I’m living moment to moment, and that’s OK right now,” or “I will remember to HALT if I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.”
Expressive arts (like dance, art, poetry, theater, music, etc) can help give shape to your pain and release your energy flow.
Eat 6 small meals a day to keep your blood sugar stable. If you have no appetite, drink smoothies, yogurt, or vegetable juices. Eat richly colored foods and avoid too many white foods (fries, bread, pasta). Take a multi-vitamin. Aim to get 20 minutes each of sunlight and exercise a day.
It’s helpful to get healthy physical release (e.g., running, walking, martial arts, boxing, body work, punching or screaming into a pillow, dancing, drumming). Some report that self-defense classes have helped build confidence and release tension. Others find relief from breathwork, tapping, meditation, prayer, aromatherapy and massage, in various artistic expressions (painting, music, sewing, etc.), or in volunteer work (walking shelter dogs, visiting hospitals or elder care facilities).
Body therapies can help you feel more grounded — massage, acupuncture, yoga, or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, that involves using eye movement to stimulate the brain). These methods may offer relief from trauma and flashbacks.
Sometimes taking a moment for yourself is important. Consider making time for reflecting and releasing emotions that feel trapped inside — including joy, which can understandably get sidelined.
Manage your time. Don’t force yourself to move faster than you are able. Be selfish with your time in order to look after yourself. Can you cut back on something? Ask for help? Accepting help is an act of courage, not weakness.
Make a to-do list, and focus on what’s most important. It helps you actively decide what you need, rather than being helpless and passive. But be fair to yourself and don’t set yourself up for failure.
Sometimes having set phone times to talk to various friends is a help, especially at times of day that you find challenging.
Many people have said prayer helped them through.
My prayers were often angry rages at God or the universe; this was part of my necessary expression at that time.
- Rose preston
Watch a funny movie or TV show, or listen to something uplifting — sometimes escaping the darkness helps lessen the feelings of guilt, sorrow, anger or defeat.
You might find relief in reading books and visiting websites on how to cope with your trauma and grief. There are some grief workbooks that can be of help. Bookstores and libraries also have helpful materials. There are many podcasts and YouTube videos that offer meaningful support.
Another helpful activity is to volunteer or develop a hobby. Doing something to assist others helps take focus off your pain and gives meaning. Do something you enjoy, for example: community gardening, hospital visits, walking dogs at the pound, or being a Court Watch volunteer.
A powerful tool is a writing exercise called a letter of completion: a letter from you to your loved one, or to the person who committed the harm, or to someone significant. In it, you can say all the things you wish you had said or still wish to say. (Of course you can think and reflect on these things rather than writing them out, if you prefer.)
Here are some ideas to get you started:
Dear _______,
There are some things I need to tell you.
Some memories of our history together are: ____________
The things I admire(d) about you are: ____________
What I want you to know is: ____________
I want you to forgive me for: ____________
I forgive you for: ____________
You enrich(ed) my life by: ____________
I love you. Good-bye.
Some people have written a letter of forgiveness to the person who caused harm — this does not mean the crime was excusable, or that the forgiveness is total. The reason is to help release the survivor from being consumed with hatred or despair — someone said it was to stop the individual from having the last word in their story. It may take time to get to such a place, and of course the letter doesn’t have to be sent. Look online for examples of this. Louisiana also has an Accountability Letter Program.
TOOLS FOR COPING AFTER HOMICIDE
It can be healing to collect mementos of your loved one, things that were meaningful to them, and make a scrapbook or put in a special keepsake box. In it you can put photos, letters they wrote, letters written to them, mementos of accomplishments, and/or inspirational quotes.
Invite friends to share their memories of your loved one. For example, someone gave friends and family each a sheet of paper for them to write down their favorite memories, and then put this in their scrapbook. Don’t be afraid to let people know this is what you need from them. Or you can write down stories you’ve heard others share about your loved one. Treasuring such memories is a powerful way to remember and honor them, and is a healing part of your mourning.
You or a knowledgeable friend could make a website dedicated to your loved one, or dedicate a page to them on Facebook or Instagram.
Having an area to remember your loved one is another way to grieve as well as honor the memory of them. You can light a candle as a way to express their presence, put up favorite photos, display items that they loved, or plant flowers. One person painted her house inside and out with inspirational drawings in memory of her loved one. Others made a memorial garden in honor of their son — a place to have quiet meditation where they could “talk” to him and remember him. A woman made a collage using her son’s favorite t-shirts to remember him.
I kept a lock of James’ hair and his glasses, and treasure various notes he wrote.
- Rose preston
On special occasions, a family would write messages on balloons to their loved one, then release them into the sky (try to get eco-friendly balloons).
It is natural to have questions about what your loved one felt and whether there was any suffering. This is not morbid or crazy. Talk to someone qualified to answer (a doctor or mental health professional), because dwelling on theories is not helpful. It is often reported that people under attack go into a numb and detached state.
Refer to our section on Homicide for more information.
DEALING WITH FAMILY, FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES
Sometimes the thing we need most from family and friends is someone who will listen — more than someone who gives advice or philosophy. Surround yourself with understanding people (especially ones who have experienced loss or harm and have a helpful outlook), and lean on their sense of hope, faith or sanity.
Seek out people who allow you to talk as much as you need to about your grief or trauma — and who won’t be critical of your feelings, and who won’t be impatient with you. Equally, if you don’t feel like talking, it’s perfectly acceptable to say that you’re not ready, or not in the headspace to share at that moment.
If friends no longer understand you or seem to avoid you, remember they have their own fears and limitations. Also, you have new needs now and may need new friends. You may feel abandoned, but not everyone is as sensitive or mature as you’d like them to be in serious matters. Often people who haven’t suffered significant loss don’t understand this level of pain.
You may feel isolated from family and friends — as if no one understands, because while your world feels shattered, they are going about their business. Remind them that you need someone who will listen and care. Again, grief and support groups can be very helpful.
People can react to trauma very differently. Psychotherapist Esther Perel has observed that some people become basically not dead, while other people are alive — that is, some people simply survive, while others learn to thrive again. A person might sink into being dejected and gloomy — telling themselves they won’t let themselves enjoy anything, because if they experience pleasure, it means they don’t care, or they’re not on guard, or it means they’re not watching for the next danger. And on the opposite side of the scale are some people who decide to take on life like a reckoning, and to live it at every moment. You may find yourself more at one end of these poles, moving back and forth.
Hurt people tend to hurt people. Sadly, it’s often the people closest to us who face the brunt of our upset, and they too may not know how to handle this well. After any incident, consider reaching out later and explaining some of your challenges. Yet also remember you need to protect yourself from being activated or triggered by people (including those close to you), places, and things.
Sometimes people will say insensitive things. You have the right to grieve — indeed, your healing depends on it — so don’t allow others to push you into doing or feeling things you don’t want to.
When I first went to the gravesite with two relatives of my husband, I was overcome with emotion and sobbing, and one of them said to me, “Crying won’t bring him back.” I was taken aback by her insensitivity and left speechless. Luckily the other relative said a helpful thing: “When there has been great love, there will be great mourning” — a comment I still use if I feel others are limiting necessary grieving, and because I think it is simply true.
- Rose preston
As time goes on, some people will continue to say tactless things, believing they are being helpful (such as, “Your loved one will want you to move on”). A good response is, “I have to do this my way.” Try not to take your frustration and anguish out on this person. Depending on how well you know him or her, you can simply thank them and move on. If someone says something like: “Your loved one is in a better place,” you might respond with: “I just find that point of view difficult to accept and I don’t have the strength to argue it with you. But I want you to know I appreciate your desire to comfort me.” If someone persists in hurtful comments, tell them as simply as you can that it’s not helping, or ask someone else to gently let them know.
Distance yourself from people who bring you down. There are some people who seem to get off on finding out the gruesome details. Avoid them — they’re not there to help you, they’re just emotional vampires.
Sometimes you may feel doubted or blamed, or that you have a stigma attached to you because of your closeness to violence. This may arise from people wanting to distance themselves from the horror involved, and/or from their own limitations, fears, and ignorance. Yet we know that stigma impacts self-esteem, and no one wants to feel labeled or judged at a time of so much emotional heavy lifting. Keep these kinds of people at arm’s length, or further away. Insist your feelings are respected.
If people ask how you are doing, you can use or adapt a comment like this: “Other than being overwhelmed (or tired, or sad, or infuriated) I’m managing (or breathing, or surviving). Thanks for checking in.” It helps to acknowledge people who reach out, while protecting your energy and privacy during such a difficult time. With some, you may need boundaries of what and how much you share.
GOING BACK TO WORK
Your grief may affect your productivity at work, since you are not the person you were — but for some people, the routine of work is a help to take their mind off their shock and pain.
See “Time Off From Work and Returning” in our Practical Matters section for more information.
SPECIAL EVENTS AND ANNIVERSARIES
Anniversaries, like birthdays and holidays, can be triggering as well as being painful reminders, especially the first year anniversary. It can help to have a plan on how to deal with these “firsts.” Some people like to spend the time alone, or in a special place, or be with loving friends and family. If a homicide has occurred, you may want someone to be with you if you go to the gravesite, but you also may want to be alone. An assault survivor may want to have a support system in place for these difficult anniversaries.
I rescued a little dog and decided to make his birthday the same as my late husband’s; in this way I was reminded to celebrate James’ life.
- Rose preston
If an event occurs near an anniversary like a birthday or holiday, and you do not want to attend, don’t let anyone make you do so. If you decide to go, ask to be seated somewhere where you can leave without creating a fuss if it’s just too much. People will understand and are often grateful that you came at all.
If some old traditions make you too sad, allow for new meaningful traditions.
SIGNS AND MYSTICAL CONNECTIONS
Be open to unusual experiences — especially if it brings comfort. Many people report having symbolic experiences — whether it is with sensations, or seeing vistas, or via animals, or in other ways, including:
Sensing a presence
Hearing a voice
Feeling a touch
Smell (one family would smell their late son’s stinky feet!)
Visual (like the shape of a body, or a symbolic cloud shape, or sudden appearance of light in the sky)
Electronic equipment turning on or off
Dreams (some comforting, others puzzling, disturbing, or sad). Being in a relaxed state tends to help these connections occur.
Right after the murders, I kept on seeing a certain neighborhood cat whenever I was dealing with important decisions. I found this reassuring, as if James’ spirit was with me through the cat.
- Rose preston
MAKING MAJOR DECISIONS
Be cautious: Unless they are for reasons of personal safety, try to avoid taking on decisions you’re not ready to deal with for about the first year or more. Decisions that leave room for a change of heart are best. Don’t let others push you into something that doesn’t feel right.
Avoid impulsive decisions. For example, do not sell a house or be convinced to transfer large amounts of money. See Civil Legal Matters for more information on managing assets and other responsibilities.
If homicide was involved, consider taking your time to give away possessions. However, if it is too painful to see the reminders, ask some friends to help you pack up the items and store them somewhere safe.
At some point, when you feel ready to share certain items, they can be a way to give others a keepsake that is meaningful. Or you might want to donate them to a charity.
My husband’s major possessions were books. I kept certain books that we had enjoyed together. I donated other books to the university where we had met and which suffered flood damage, and gave the remainders to friends who could choose what they liked. It took me years to get to this point.
- Rose preston
MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS RESOURCES
In an immediate crisis where there is a danger to an individual or others, call 911. If you call 911 in New Orleans for a non-violent mental health emergency, you may be routed to the Mobile Crisis Intervention Unit (MCIU), which deploys mental health professionals who will provide immediate support.
The Metropolitan Human Services District has a 24/7 mental health crisis line: 1 (844) 568-6473.
Call, text, or chat the 988 Lifeline to connect with a live counselor who will listen to you and share resources.
If someone is believed to be a danger to themselves or others, an individual (“credible person”), law enforcement officer, or certain physicians can issue a statement resulting in an Order for Protective Custody (lasting up to 72 hours) to involuntarily transport the person for evaluation. An Emergency Certificate can be issued by a physician, law enforcement officer, judge, or coroner, to keep the person in custody for up to 15 days. For more information, see Louisiana Revised Statutes La. R.S. 28:53.